He Carries Me

Those of you who would read my blog in the past have probably been wondering where I’ve been for the past almost 2 years. There are many excuses I could give: busy at the new job, adjusting to life in Houston, commitments at church, and on and on. But, none of those are the reason I disappeared. I disappeared because I made the choice to struggle and suffer in silence and isolation. For too long I walked a dark path, but thankfully, I chose the path of Light when at the crossroads. For almost 2 years (officially), D and I have been walking down the road of Infertility.

I was asked to write our story for our church's Women's Ministry newsletter. I've had writers block ever since. I keep thinking our story is not tragic enough or we have not struggled with this long enough, and that people will judge us - belittle our feelings. Then I realized I was truly under the Enemy's attack; and whatever other's reactions, I have to write this. It's become clear that our journey is meant to be shared to, hopefully, help others feeling exactly as we did. I hope our story encourages you to stop suffering in silence. Stop hiding and carrying this all by yourself.

So, here’s our story.

If you have read the Love Story of me and D, you know we were 27 and 28 when we married. While in the general scheme of things, our ages at marriage are common nowadays - it was not in our circle of friends/family. I began to hear that ole biological clock start ticking before we even got married. Before meeting D, I felt surrounded by couples getting married left and right. I saw people moving forward in life, while I felt stuck with no hope of anything propelling me forward.

But, it was in this time (before D), that God began preparing me for my current stage of life (and I’m sure many more in the future). I reached a point in my singleness of completely depending on Him for my satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness. I cannot say there were not days of longing, but even then, He was with me. And I learned to recognize that He was. I am so grateful for my time as a Single, what it taught me, and how it made my relationship with Christ real for the first time post-salvation.

Once I met D and we married, I thought everything would come so easily. You know the old saying, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes that ole baby carriage.” So, I fully expected (demanded, really) that we would have a baby 2 years after we were married. I had it all planned out. Then, life happened.

While we are technically almost 2 years infertile - for me, it’s been almost 4 years. 4 years because just when I wanted to start building our family - the roadblocks of life intruded and I put my dream on hold (again and again).

Roadblock #1. Shortly before our wedding, I was diagnosed with a Thyroid disorder. It was not a big deal - I just took a pill everyday to control it. But, after the wedding, I realized I still was not doing well. Eventually, 18 months later, I was re-diagnosed (correctly) with a different Thyroid disorder, Grave’s disease (or an overactive thyroid). Basically, my hormones (all of them) were completely out of whack. I immediately started treatment.

Roadblock #2. In the midst of all of this, I was offered a job in Houston - a life changing job. It was definitely of God and too good to pass up. So D and I took a leap of faith and moved to Houston 2 months after my diagnosis. D did not have a job, but we thought, surely he’ll be able to find a job quickly in Houston.

Roadblock #3. We were wrong. It was 9 long months before God gave us D’s job. This struggle, while painful and difficult, made our marriage stronger and strengthened our faith in God. We allowed God to do His work in us during this time - He was preparing us.

Roadblock #4. More medical issues. At the same time I started a new job and D was looking for a job, I hit another wall - medically speaking. When we moved, I began seeing an Ob/Gyn who specializes in women with thyroid and other hormonal disorders. He ran many tests and we found out I was really messed up - way more than we ever imagined. I spent the following 7-8 months on very taxing treatments to bring all of the hormone levels in my body to normal levels. My doctor said we should thank God we did not try to conceive before seeing him or we would have experienced one miscarriage after another. I am so grateful God brought us to Dr. dC, but it was just another delay in my plan. 

Roadblock #5. Nothing. That’s right - nothing. When Dr. dC finally gave us the all clear, D had been at his new job 30 days and we were still living in our rent house. But I knew it would take us “some time” to get pregnant, so we started trying right away. I took the first few months of negative pregnancy tests very well. I expected to not conceive right away and was proud of myself and my “realistic” expectations. During that time, we bought a home and that took up a lot of my time and energy. Then, month 6 rolled around and I began to worry. Then month 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. By month 12 I was freaking out - but on the inside.

So many thoughts were on constant repeat in my mind. I couldn’t understand why we were not pregnant. We did everything to prepare, medically speaking. We were financially ready. We were ready spiritually. Everyone else was having babies left and right, so we can raise our kids with our friends. It’s the perfect time! Just like in my singleness, I felt life moving forward, while I was stuck.

At the beginning of year 2, I began to mourn and became depressed. But on the outside, I had it all together. I'm sure no one even suspected. The few times I was brave enough to even give people a hint that we were having trouble, they would hit me with their well-meaning words - not knowing that just made me close up again. Things like, "You haven't been trying long enough. You should stop complaining." Or, "Start trying to adopt and you'll get pregnant." Or, my favorite, "Just relax. You're stressing over this too much and that's why you can't get pregnant." People do not realize how judgmental and insensitive their words can be.

So, I just kept it all inside. Then, one day at a small group social, 2 other ladies and I discovered we were all going through infertility and never knew. We were so excited to find each other! We decided to try to meet regularly just to talk, share feelings, and pray for each other. No one else could understand except another woman in infertility. It was amazing! My soul felt lighter after we met. It was as if all the darkness the Enemy had covered me in was just blown away. I had no idea how depressed I had been - how miserable I was.

As soon as I started my car to leave, the local Christian radio station began talking to a caller. A woman dealing with infertility. She shared her story and thanked the hosts for talking and praying with her. She was expressing everything I was feeling. Then, it occurred to me - why should any woman have to wait to discover other women in infertility or call a talk show to find rest and encouragement and hope in this? The next day I emailed the Women's Minister at our church to ask if we had an infertility Bible study or support group. And, that's how it all started. Apparently, there had been one but it was in need of a new leader, would I like to be that leader? Um, not exactly what I expected, but isn't that how God usually works? So I decided to jump right in.

Now we are called, Waiting in Hope-Ladies seeking hope in the LORD through infertility (Psalm 31:24). I have been awed at what God has done in our midst. I felt completely inadequate and unprepared, but every week He supplied what was needed. When I needed someone to help me lead, He immediately brought someone forward. I've seen women drowning in anger, frustration, depression, and confusion become shining beacons of light pointing straight to the hope of Christ. It's amazing. We are committed to studying His word, encouraging one another, praying for each other, and being open to the world with our struggle. Most importantly, our faith is not dependent on God giving us a child (either through pregnancy or adoption), but on Him alone.

It's difficult to get to this place, and it does not happen everyday. I have to allow Him to renew me daily or I fall right back into that pit. I become self-focused, raging over my un-met expectations. As if God owes me.

Since the group, there have been some major disappointments. Failed pregnancy tests when I thought I was definitely pregnant, multiple friends becoming pregnant-meaning many showers, scary and painful surgery. But God has lifted me up from each one, once I turned to Him. He worked through His word, my husband, Waiting in Hope, and awesome friends.

I am so blessed to have a Savior who never leaves me and loves me more than I can comprehend. To have a husband who understands, cries with me, and seeks God with me in all our decisions. For understanding and genuine friends. Friends, willing to say they don't know what to say, but that they love me and are there to just listen (and sometimes, cry). And, for a purpose for this trial.

It's through all of this, God has taught me that He carries me - never leaving my side (Jeremiah 29:11-13) - and is glorified through this and every trial in my life.

I know this has been a long post because I struggle with exactly how to express all of my feelings. So, I'll let the song, Carry Me, by Audrey Assad sum it up for me. Enjoy (see Infertility resources and links below).

Waiting in Hope - Seeking HOPE in the Lord through infertility

"We have this HOPE in the Lord as an anchor for the SOUL".  Heb. 6:19

The Houston's First Baptist Church infertility Bible Study and Support Group.  Contact me at waitinginhopehfbc@gmail.com for more info.

The first Waiting in Hope event is Monday, September 10th in Houston, TX.  A night led by a professional counselor to ask questions and receive guidance. If you are in the area and would like more info email me at waitinginhopehfbc@gmail.com

Hannah's Prayer Ministries - Christian Support for Fertility Challenges

Sarah's Laughter - Christian Support for Infertility and Child Loss

Kelley Ramsey, my sweet friend, also has a series of posts about her infertility journey:

Infer-what?  Part 1

Infer-what? Part 2

Infer-what? Part 3

Infer-what?  Part 4

Infer-what?  Part 5

Infer-what?  Part 6

Infertility from a Husband's Perspective

Faith to be Healed

Acts 3:6-7,16
Today my quiet time was in Acts 3.  I read about the miraculous healing of the crippled beggar  at the Beautiful Gate by Peter – well, the Holy Spirit acting through Peter.  I’ve read this passage numerous times, but the Truth of it finally hit me today.  The beggar was healed by the Holy Spirit because Peter had faith – he believed. 

What is faith? Faith is trust or confidence in God.  To have faith (to relate rightly with God) you must believe (in Greek, the verb form of Faith – Faith in action) that God is, that God has revealed Himself in Christ, and to accept God accepts you. Faith is what we believe, it is Christianity itself, but primarily it is the relationship we have with God through what Jesus accomplished in His death and resurrection.¹  Peter believed in God, in Jesus Christ and in the power of Christ’s Holy Spirit living in him.  And he believed that Power would heal the beggar to demonstrate His Glory and bring others to a saving faith.

I don’t know about you, but this realization of what faith is and the demonstration of it through Peter, was incredibly convicting.  I am guilty of Smallness of Faith – I put limits on what I believe God can do instead of boldly believing He can heal me.  And do I need to be healed?  Definitely.  I need to be healed everyday from the attacks the enemy throws at me.  Healed from paralyzing fear, doubt, the delusion of self-sufficiency, selfishness, and physical illness.

I became a Child of God 18 years ago and I have yet to realize the full extent of my salvation because I will not believe.  I limit my faith to mere human parameters and do not open myself up to the healing He wants to pour out on me and on to others through me. 

I’m tired of trying to heal my wounds myself – feeling the pain of them festering and spreading.  I believe in the power of my God and am ready to let Him heal me inside and out.  Are you?

By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong.  It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see. Acts 3:16


Kari Jobe’s song, Healer, is a beautiful song of praise to our Healer.  Take the time to give Him back your thanks.  You can sing the song out loud or say it in prayer.  And, if this song does not speak to you, find a way to express your gratitude to God for His healing grace.

Healer–Kari Jobe

If by reading today you’ve realized you are not in a saving relationship with Christ, please go here for resources and guidance.  And, also, feel free to contact me at grumpypantskelly@gmail.com
¹Holman’s Bible Dictionary Online

I Know, I Know

I know it’s been a sweet forever since I’ve posted anything.  Sorry, about that but life has been moving at a breakneck speed for the past few months.  There’s been a ton of travel for work to New Mexico, Colorado, Nevada, and Washington.  Not to mention tons of stress in the Houston office.  As well as a fitness-crisis and relationship-fixing.

 

I’ve been struggling with balancing living out faith/home and work, with a strong desire to be more focused on home and faith.  I’ve come to a conclusion – God wants me living out my faith more at work.  I’ve been fighting the desire to be home and made myself miserable in my work life.  Well that does not equate to a very good attitude or representation of Christ at work.  I’m not saying I just flipped a switch one day and became this awesome Christian living out her faith boldly in the workplace, but I am saying that I make an effort every day.  Some days I fail miserably, some days I have small victories.  But because I’ve made myself so miserable I have not felt inclined to blog.  

 

I’ve also been struggling with terrible body image issues.  I’ve gain about 35 pounds since D and I married 3 years ago and it’s catching up with me.  I have never struggled with my weight until now and it’s a totally new experience for me.  It’s tough – it’s hard work – it’s embarrassing.  But one day a few weeks ago I hit my wall, so to speak.  I decided to stop wallowing in self-pity, making excuses as to why I cannot get healthy ( I don’t have time, it’s too expensive, etc., etc., etc.).  I’m on a healthy eating plan and regular work out schedule.  Again, I know I won’t be perfect at this and there will be days I will be discouraged, but I will push through with God’s help.  I’m not looking to become a supermodel or cause those reading to develop their own body issues.  I just realized that I cannot do much for God if I let myself become unhealthy.  I’d hate to stand before Him one day and say, “Sorry I allowed myself to become so out of shape that I was unable to obey You.”  No ma’am, not gonna let that happen.  So that’s been taking up a lot of my time as well.

 

Then, since D and I moved to Houston, our together time has been drastically reduced.  In Shreveport, we ate lunch together almost every day, had at least 3 hours with each other at the end of the day, and had a devotion almost every night.  In Houston, we never eat lunch together, get about one good hour together after work, I travel a ton, and I’m so exhausted at the end of the night that we don’t do our devotion.  We decided to change that.  So, again, not much time for blogging.

 

And then, we are trying to have a baby.  Well, you all know, that takes time folks. 

 

I will continue to blog because I want to look back and see the work God has done in my life.  And, also to look back on our memories.  And once babies come along, I’ll be blogging a ton. 

 

So, sorry for the inconsistency, but thanks for stopping by occasionally.  I promise, there will be new posts – just not every day and maybe not every week.

 

 

Trust and Be Thankful

As I read my devotion this morning the hymn Trust and Obey kept playing through my mind.  I examined the following verses:

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Philippians 4:4

1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;

let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.   Psalm 95: 1-2

10 Those who know your name trust in you,

for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.  Psalm 9:10

If you've been reading my last few posts, you know I am reading the devotion Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  Here are the sections I highlighted today:

...Trust is the channel through which My Peace flows into you.  Thankfulness lifts you up above your circumstances...Rather than planning and evaluating, practice trusting and thanking Me continually.

This all really struck a chord with me.  I realized I go through a lot of my life whinning and complaining about my circumstances, planning and evaluating so I can avoid my fears, or begging God for something (whatever it is I think I need at the moment) - but I rarely stop and just thank Him and trust Him in whatever circumstance I am facing.  I will beg to be let out of that circumstance, but it's not often I actually thank Him in the midst.  I imagine God watching me just yearning to give me peace and to lift me above my circumstances, but I stand in the way.  In my human weakness, I really think I can bring peace to myself with my actions.  He must shake His head at me a lot. 

As I pondered this, God revealed to me that there is nothing wrong with planning and evaluating (in fact, many of us have a gift for just those things).  The problem arises when we do this out of fear instead of out of trust. Trust that God has me in the palm of His hand and is guiding me along.  He already has the road paved.  He may reveal to me a plan He has and I can then implement the gifts of planning and evaluating.  It's then that He shows me just how much He loves me. 

For a Melancholy, Type A like myself, to see God's power unfold through the work (planning and evaluating) He has given me is so amazing and satisfying. 

So, if you are like me - you have a need to know every possible scenario and outcome before you make a move - have peace.  God has already done all the  planning and evaluating.  He does not need you to do it for Him.  But if He does use you in His work, do it out of faith not fear.  Trust in Him and be Thankful that you do not have to carry the weight of this world on your shoulders - He's got it.

I'll leave you with the words of Trust and Obey today:

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,

What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.


Refrain:
Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.


Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.


But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Do Not Be Anxious!

So if any of you read the Thorny Soil post, you know I am struggling with fear and anxiety.  It creeps up and then out of the blue I'll be a ball of nerves, most of the time over nothing.  For example, this morning I woke up at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep.  Why?  Because I was worrying over my schedule for the weekend and trying to figure out how to get it all done.  Is that really worth losing sleep over?  No.  It's a daily battle and the Enemy knows this is where he can get me. And even though I know the only defense is to fill myself with the Spirit through time with Him, I can never be consistent.  Holla if ya feel me, sistas!

All that to say, since I was up at the crack. o. dawn.  I was able to get to work very early (over an hour early) and I had time to be with the Spirit. Thank you Jesus.  I'm reading this awesome daily devotion, Jesus Calling - Enjoying Peace in His Presence, by Sarah Young and it is blowing my mind.  My sweet SIL gave it to me for Christmas and it's been the best gift. 

I want to share this morning's word and I hope that if you are struggling just as I am, that this will give you some peace:

REFUSE TO WORRY!  In this world there will always be something enticing you to worry. That is the nature of a fallen, fractured planet:  Things are not as they should be. So the temptation to be anxious is constantly with you, trying to worm its way into your mind.  The best defense is continual communication with Me, richly seasoned with thanksgiving.  Awareness of My Presence fills your mind with Light and Peace, leaving no room for fear.  This awareness lifts you up above your circumstances, enabling you to see problems from My perspective.  Live close to Me! Together we can keep the wolves of worry at bay.

John 10:4
⁴ When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.

Luke 12:25-26
²⁵ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? ²⁶ Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

I Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Wow, that Sarah does have a way with words, doesn't she? And then these verses, wow.  Reading this today I felt as if God and Sarah had a meeting about GrumpyPants and decided to write a devotion just for me. Of course that did not happen, but I am floored at how God can speak so individually yet so globally all at the same time.

My response?

God,

Thank you for being the Great and All Powerful, but especially thank you for being my personal Father.  I am so grateful that you go on ahead of me in this life.  You know how everything will work out and you have planned it, so what am I so worried about?  Thank you for reminding me that you will bring me through, you will not harm me.  You have always and will always provide what my family and I need.  If I cling to you I will be able to hold all you have given me with an open hand - and be able to let it go if you so desire.  Thank you for loving me even in my disobedience and thank you for your protection and provision. I ask for your perspective today and a mind that is open to your Holy Spirit's leading.  I REFUSE TO WORRY TODAY!

In Jesus' Name, Amen

Many Blessings Sisters!

Another Unplanned Hiatus

Well, here I am again, apologizing for taking another unplanned hiatus from blogging. Sorry about that.  But I've decided I won't apologize anymore. 

The hiatus came because life took off.  We moved, had the holidays, and work got very busy.  In the midst of all this have come some real life drama and disappointments.  I've been forced to be a grown up, and we all know that's not fun.  Through all this I learned I don't handle change and disappointment very well.  I'm also struggling to balance my life. Mostly because I'm a planner and not much has happened according to my almighty plan (God has really had some good laughs on my behalf lately).  I did not respond very well to that.  Basically, there was a lot of crying, whining, shouting, and driving my poor hubby insane.  So I began seeing a sweet counselor at our church.  I want to learn how to respond to life in a way that pleases God instead of viewing everything through my selfish eyes. 

It's been a great process and I'm very grateful for it all - even the crying.  :)  Anyway, that did not leave much time for blogging.  I decided to focus on my man and our life for a little while.  I know you understand. 

But let me catch you up...

We did move into our wonderful new home (pics coming as soon as the Hubs can find time to get them off his camera).  Two weeks later we had the whole family over for Thanksgiving.  Nothing like a little motivation to get the unpacking done :).  Then two weeks after that we had our Open House.  Again, motivation to put the finishing touches on the home.  Of course, there was Christmas, which was glorious.  D was in our church's large Christmas production and for a week went to work at 8a and did not come home until 10p or later.  But it was an awesome experience for him.  Our sweet friends the McG's came to a show and loved it.  After the show we headed to Shreveport for an entire week. That was heaven.  We did not have to rush through a visit but were able to see everyone and enjoy our time there. 

Once we returned from the holidays, work just took off for both of us.  I have had several 70 hour weeks and travel, but it all seems to be settling down a bit now. 

I can't complain.  I have a very loving marriage to a man who loves God and me, a beautiful new home, sweet friends, a great job, and I work with awesome people.  I'm so grateful for this period in my life, even though it's taken some adjustment.  It's through these challenges God makes us stronger and brings us closer to him.

I'll try to get some pics up of our adventures over these past few months.  And I'll post as often as I can, but I can't guarantee consistency.  So please check back periodically.  I promise I'm not gone, only living life.

The Texas Hill Country

So the Hubs and I are going to take our first vacation since we were married in May.  We are going to take in the Texas experience and go to the Hill Country. We have been hearing about it since we moved here, so we decided to take the plunge.  I think Greune is our destination of choice, and then a day trip to San Antonio.  But if you guys have any suggestions please let me know. I am in the process of planning now. 

Thanks.